New Year’s Eve absurdity

My NYE started off perfectly: a small gathering chez one of my besties. Her boyfriend, her sis, myself and another friend – except her sister had to bail, because she couldn’t waste such an excellent opportunity to meet “prospects”. I admire such energetic pursuit of one’s goals – I was entirely too content to sink down into the sofa and sip champagne. I’m not lazy, at all: I’m just bougie fancy.

In such a cozy setting, waiting for the clock to hit midnight, the conversation covered a wide variety of topics, including the porn industry and its attempt to adapt to mobile technology and social media. After someone shared that PornHub’s app was now free,  I exclaimed: “There’s a PornHub app? Who watches porn on their phone?! Wait, so many people watch porn on their phone, that an app was created? I am confused, where do they watch it?!”

Apparently, my innocence is cute. So they tell me.

After the stroke of New Year’s Eve midnight magic, my friend herded us to a loft party in Old Montreal. She knew the host and the crowd was expected to be beautiful: what more is necessary at a party? I assumed that the other requirements (booze, good music, basic conversation skills) would be met.

Soon after our arrival, police showed up at the neighboring loft to investigate noise complaints – completely reasonable since that party had an impromptu DJ booth set up in the hallway (how subtle!) and people were lining up through the hallways into the street to access the residential building. That cop visit turned into a drug bust – which made our host very nervous. I found his nervousness misplaced, since ours was classy party: everyone consuming libations at a reasonable pace.

I noticed a pattern of 2-3 guys entering the washroom at the same time. I assumed they were going to “relieve” themselves – either through excellent synchronized aim at the toilet bowl or else perhaps using the sink and/or bathtub for that purpose. However, when it came time for my own solo turn to use the washroom, I observed a singular lack of tinkle sprays around the toilet, or any other surface. This seemed odd, especially given the advanced hour of the night which should have harmed their ability to aim accurately. Perplexed, I shared my observations with my bestie. She rolled her eyes at me: “Vanilla, dear, haven’t you ever heard of cocaine?” Oh.

To avoid an unwanted visit from the police, our host attempted to reduce the noise levels at his party. He lowered his sound system to a barely discernible hum, turned on all the lights, and approached each guest individually and shushed them, waving his hands in front of them, “The cops are next door. Be quiet. You can stay and drink, but PLEASE STOP TALKING.” Meanwhile, his friend darted around the place, tidying energetically and yelling at the top of his lungs: “Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck UP!!!”

One guest, bemoaning the circumstances: “Dude, this sucks! Because of the drug raid next door, all the bitches have left!” My friend Colin shook his head emphatically: “Nah man, I love it! I love a cockfest!” Guy #1 backed away from Colin, who smirked at him then confided to me: “I was just kidding. My life is over.” A bit extreme, but understandable. At that moment, a girl casually walked by, dressed in a rabbit onesie. Colin blinked, at a loss for words.

Conclusion: what the party lacked in good music and conversation, it most definitely made up in absurdity.

My 2014 WordPress report & acceptance speech

WordPress.com prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. I haven’t had a report card in years!! I’m quite delighted with the results, especially since I only started this blog in August 2014 – 4 months of activity.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 4,500 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Makes me happy – I love NYC! I wonder which stations my 4 subway trains of readers would stop at?

Thank you very much Beyoncé (she’s yet to get a proper feature in a post, other than through the mention of her sweet boyfriend), Bitchy Twin/Sailor Moon (I can’t choose between these two names, both apply!), Kirsten, Blond ‘Fro and Nene for encouraging me from the very start. Without your strong words of encouragement, I’d have never found the courage to write my first few posts.

Thank you, blogosphere and friends, for reading. It makes me so happy to write, and I’m filled with wonder at every view from a far-off country (42 so far!), or a new comment, or follower. I hope my silly stories will continue to entertain.

I look forward to another year of blogging with you!

Footnote to the acceptance speech

I have a confession to make – one that I have been putting off for several weeks.

I compulsively check my blog every morning, in bed, and in my half-awake state, I deleted my first and only blog email, without ever responding or thanking this reader. Technology is clearly not my friend, because the deleted email instantaneously vanished from all possible trash bins/archives. I checked – several times. I think his name was Thomas, and I think he wrote in French – but even if I got both of those details completely wrong, I hope, Mr. Reader, you weren’t offended by my accidental silence! Your email made my day!