It’s the details that matter

So… I was walking home after the gym tonight, when I got flashed. I was in my bubble, looking forward to my BFF’s visit in town, and then boom! there I was staring at some random stranger’s poorly man-scaped dick and ballsack.

Balls. There were balls. And pubes.

Dude had been standing next to a parked car, staring off into space. As I approached he just yanked down the front of his nasty basketball shorts.

Took me a few heartbeats to understand what I was seeing. What really helped was when he scratched his balls. Al fresco. That age-old movement really hammered home the importance for clothing in most circumstances.

Just scratchin’ me balls. NBD.

Now y’all might be wondering if I was rattled by the incident – reasonable, since I am Princess Vanilla. But no! You see, after scratching his balls, Flasher Dude scratched his chin. Same hand.

HYGIENE MATTERS. IT MATTERS A LOT.

Mr. Flasher Dude, let me explain something to you: the point of flashing your package at a woman is to make her uncomfortable by means of this micro-aggression. It is a power trip. You do NOT want to undermine your objective by distracting her with your inadequate hygiene. You do not want her to feel pity for you because your mama didn’t raise you well. You definitely don’t want her to have uncontrollable giggles because of your poor social skills. You’re better than this. Next time, wear clothing that flatters you (sweatpants could work), and aim for a little smoother approach. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, scratch any part of your face after having scratched your balls. The ladies, they don’t find that move impressive.

You can thank me later. Or not.

12 comments

Ooooooh oh ohhhh OHMYF*CKINGGAWD I’M LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW IT HURTS! 😂😂😂😭😭😭

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balletandboxing says:

September 24, 2015 at 10:10 am

The strangest part of my reaction to all this?
I was carrying a recently purchased stuffed animal, named Humphrey. A gift for a coworker.

When this happened, I was dismayed. Poor Humphrey had lost part of his essential teddybear innocence. This is not how I wanted to introduce him to the neighbourhood!!

Alphonse is seething right now with jealousy. About Humphrey. Not about the unexpected pubes.

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1. Melanie (DoesItEvenMatterWhoIReallyAm?) says:
  
  September 24, 2015 at 1:31 pm
  
  *SNORT*
  😂 OMG You’re too much! 💙 💜 💚
  I’m laughing my ass off! Thank you! I needed that more than you know! 💋💋💋
  
  LikeLiked by 1 person