How to kill my crush: bail on going to the ballet with me

I first became aware of Lawyer 3 years ago, via an online dating site. He seemed interesting and interested and then he disappeared for 5 months. Next!

Lawyer resurfaced, full of apologies and no explanations. None were required – I figured he’d met someone more interesting, had his fun while it lasted, and was once again available for mingling. I didn’t feel inclined to meet him after his disappearing stunt, but his banter was solid and we became Fbk friends.

For the next 6-8 months, he would periodically message me suggesting a meeting, or better yet, a night of wild sex. During our exchanges, it became quite clear that he was sexually confident and prolific, as well as intelligent and blessed with an excellent sense of humor. I was intrigued. [Disclaimer: for all my Vanilla-ness, I do like my sex physical and steamy. Shocking, I know. Almost incompatible, apparently, with my prudish personality. When my little sexting drama happened this summer, Coach was skeptical, “Are you sure it was sexting? “Oh baby, I can imagine you placing your hand on my elbow and it gives me the feels!” does not count as a real sext, you know.” Yes, I know, Coach, thanks.]

After months of messaging, I was well aware of what his ultimate goal was, and was open to the idea, as long as we met several times first, to give me time to calm my Vanilla nerves and decide if our online chemistry translated into offline chemistry. We did exactly that. Those were some of the best dates I’ve ever been on. He was funny, unpredictable and extremely smart. A heady combo. There was undeniably a spark, which led to a fun tumble between the sheets. Or so I thought. He never pushed to repeat the exercise. Slightly daunting feedback for me.

He remained in the picture, sporadically. We met up a couple of times, even went to a ballet together (since he is one of the few people I know whose love for ballet equals or exceeds mine). He explained some lawyerly concepts to me, to help me on one of my files, and I put in contact with some useful people for his network. I cherished hopes that, despite the benefits part of friends with benefits not working out, we could remain friendly acquaintances. I did so enjoy his personality!

He once said that I would be the perfect girlfriend, how sad that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. I mentioned that, at the time, I wasn’t looking for a relationship either, so why not just enjoy spending the odd moment together? He dropped off the planet soon after that. Resurfaced to surprise me by sending me a naughty and hilarious Christmas card. Disappeared again. Resurfaced occasionally to discuss some personal difficulties he was going through, and to lend an ear when I hit a few rough patches of my own. He reads my blog regularly, both the funny stuff and the uncomfortable bits too.

So far in 2015, we’ve made plans to meet at least 5 times, and they have all come to nothing. I flaked once, but he flaked all the other times. Last minute, usually because he isn’t “feeling well”. He doesn’t reschedule. It irks, it does, to make plans with him assuming they will fall apart. Having my low expectations confirmed is rather unsatisfying.

A few weeks ago, I made plans to go see a ballet with Coach’s girlfriend this past Friday. The day after I bought our tickets, she realized she’d forgotten a prior engagement for that same night. No worries, I’d find a sub for her ticket. On a whim, I asked Lawyer – we’d been talking for weeks about finally meeting up, what better way than at the ballet? He accepted.

On Wednesday, I double checked with him to see if he could still make it on Friday. I told him NBD if he couldn’t make it, but to let me know ASAP to give me time to find a backup sub, as I really didn’t want the ticket to go to waste. He confirmed. I was pleasantly surprised.

Friday when getting ready for work, I slipped on my sexiest lace undies – best be prepared, just in case. Wishful thinking never hurt anyone. By the time I got to work, he texted me he was sick, very regretfully asking me whether or not I could find a sub, but gallantly offering to show up, sniffles and all, in the event I couldn’t fill his seat.

The fact that I wasn’t surprised at his bailing on me made me even more irritated than I would’ve been otherwise. All this time, I’d thought I was being cool and laid-back. It was humiliating to realize I’d let myself so obviously be his bottom-of-the-list distraction for the odd moments when all other distractions were unavailable. A distraction that required zero input from him. I had satisfied myself with occasional Facebook banter and evidence that he enjoyed my blog. Talk about low standards.

3 years of interaction with Lawyer ended with my reply: “K.” Not “OK“. Not “K“. No, I added that period to make it clear that I couldn’t be bothered to type out an entire word for him, on purpose. THAT SURE SHOWED HIM. #assertivepunctuation

I found a replacement for him within minutes. My girlfriend and I made a full night of it: we went for supper and ranted about how much we hated men, tried and failed to take selfies, giggled uncontrollably, and drank wine and microbrewery beer like the bougie girls we were for the night. Best date night I’ve had in months! #girlsdoitbest

Lesson learned.

Y’all should check out the excerpt from the last piece we saw last night. Chroma, by Wayne McGregor. Mind blown.



  1. Wow, you’re a better woman than I am. I don’t think I would have been able to tolerate his behavior without lots of clenched fists and grinding teeth.

    Or maybe I have anger issues.

    In college, I was friends with a dancer, and she gave me two tickets to a modern dance recital she performed in. I intended to go with my bf at the time, but he bailed, and I wound up going with my roommate. I didn’t think too much about him backing out (tbh, I wasn’t too crazy about modern dance, either, but, you know, she was a friend) until we broke up about a week later.

    Maybe it’s the dance thing. It’s bad luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No I totally should have had clenched fists and grinding teeth ages ago. I thought that because I was taking him at face value, it didn’t matter- I could accept him on his terms.

      And I can. But I shouldn’t. Bc his terms are incompatible with mine. I expect more from anyone I enjoy.

      Lesson learned.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. That is seriously along and seriously security choreography right there and performed by some very, very talented dancers.

    As for Lawyer, that is a shame, he seems like a great guy, but you definitely deserve better than to be on the bottom of anyone’s list.


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