Literally what happens EVERYTIME I go on a diet

And I do mean in the literal sense and not the abstract sense. The following monologue actually gets delivered OUT LOUD, much to my coworkers’ irritation.

Chocolate, I want chocolate. Oh it’s 9am – too early for chocolate. NO CHOCOLATE FOR YOU, hahaha sucker, you’re on a diet. Is it weird that I am having a conversation with myself? Maybe it’s time to do some work. Okay, I’ll work now.

Geez, so many emails? Why so many emails? I really want a muffin right now. No muffin for me (sing-songy voice). And if I can’t have a muffin, no one can have a muffin. No muffin for you! No muffin for you! And no muffin for YOU! I’m like the Oprah of deprivation.

Work work work. Accountants must all be fat, this is boring. Is it lunch-time yet? Oh, it’s only 10:10. Well, this sucks. I guess I’ll drink some water – hydrate my pretty skin.

Water is not doing it for me.

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, I’ll work now.

I have a headache. Must be from sugar withdrawal.


I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert.

This apple is a shitty dessert.

K, I just did 24 minutes of work, can I have chocolate yet?

FML. This is going to be a long day.

Whaddya mean, I should stop talking? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!



Best gif ever, found on my newest favorite site:



  1. Omg, I feel your pain. I’m not on a diet as such, I just try to eat very, very healthy as a rule so I can cheat every once in a while and not feel too guilty about it. This is me every other day hankering for chocolate and pastries and ice cream.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Preach.
    3pm yesterday at work I was figuratively dying of hunger. I COULD have had my greek yogurt that was in the fridge but instead I gathered $2 and walked over to the cafe next door to buy a gigantic blueberry muffin. SO GOOD.
    Don’t call it a diet. And rather than just an apple, mix it with some protein (peanut butter, nuts, etc.) I find that if I don’t have a bit of protein with each meal/snack my diet quickly fails because I’m depriving myself.


  3. I feel your pain. What’s so tragic is that it never ends. Even when I get back on track, it’s so hard to stay there. When you start to lose, you feel victorious. Weight maintenance is so boring that after a while, you feel like you need a vacation from it. Then the struggle starts all over again. Aaaagh!

    Liked by 1 person

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