I might be Beyoncé after all 

Remember that time when I ended up singing in a cover band, at work, in front of 400+ employees and the exec team from our global headquarters? That was fun/terrifying. 

At the time, I was grateful for my amazing bandmates’ support and patience as they coached me for my first performance in a) over a dozen years that b) wasn’t in context of a church choir where the audience has no choice but to love it or else they’ll go to Hell for being two-faced judgmental assholes. I viewed the experience as an adventure in overcoming my crippling insecurities that usually hold me hostage, and doing something far outside my comfort zone. I wasn’t surprised, therefore, when viewing the video of my performance, to note my many imperfections. A for effort, not for performance.

When I sang the 2nd time, a month later, the chosen song (Give Me One Reason, by Tracy Chapman) was better suited to my vocal skills. I discovered that I enjoyed performing: I could sing with intent, shadow the song with my emotion, and share a feeling with the audience and the band. My 3rd performance was even more freeing.

My whole life, I’ve felt like a pressure cooker, with unarticulated emotions bubbling inside me, threatening to blow off the lid of socially acceptable behaviour. This blog has certainly helped find me a voice, but there is so much more I wish I could convey that I can’t distill into words. Finally, I’d found a medium that allowed for successful non-verbal self-expression. I was addicted.

Unfortunately, my career with my work band is coming to an end, as I’ve accepted a fantastic accounting job at another company. While in many respects this new job is perhaps my dream job, I did consider turning it down, just to be able to continue singing with my dear coworkers. What’s a career when you have music?! 

Last Friday, I was out with some girlfriends, bemoaning the end of my opportunities to perform with a band. My friend pointed to the band playing funky pop covers at the bar, “Vanilla, it would really make my night if you convinced them to let you sing a song with them.”

So I did.  

It was thrilling. 

Y’all. I’m undergoing a midlife crisis: 

I want to find me a band and keep performing. Not for purposes of becoming the next pop star, but because I crave that moment of communion between myself and the other musicians and the audience. 

I want to sing in bars. Me and every teenager ever. Same goals.

I have no idea how I am going to make this happen, but it’s on the “Must Do” list of 2016.






  1. Yes!! I will completely support you in your endeavors; just keep looking for bands that need a singer, or form your own! It’s not immaturity; my boyfriend’s dad is in his 50’s and we started a band a year and a half ago and are hoping to do gigs with it! You’re never too old for a band nor for following your dreams. Good luck! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Omg, you go girl! Music makes everything in life so much easier to deal with! Getting up and singing with my choir always makes bad days seem way better. I’m so happy for you that you rediscovered your musical side!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your desire to bathe in the River of Life is the spark which lights a thousand flames from darkness. You feel it, distill it from an emotion into a sound, so it gets passed on to others. Then others, then others. It’s a big River, lots of water.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I sure hope there is an up and coming band at your new accounting job, that needs an occasional vocalist. And hopefully someone from Youtube will come and record you sometime so we can all see you perform!


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