I first met Mr. Big on 2015 New Year’s Eve, at a small house party thrown by one of my besties, Superwoman. As that was only 4 months after I started this blog, I was VERY vanilla at the time. When I reread the post of that evening, I am amazed at how far I’ve come. #vanillawithchocolatesprinkles

Over the months, I’ve run into Mr. Big several times. He is a larger-than-life personality and as chocolate & spicy as I am vanilla. He derives great enjoyment, as many men do, in seeing how far he can push the enveloppe with me – the tantalizing prospect of making Vanilla less vanilla. I derive great enjoyment in seeing him try, without success.

He invited me to go see a movie a little while back. Unbeknownst to me, Mr. Big always smuggles in a mickey of hard alcohol to the movie theatres to properly enjoy the entertainment. He asked me if I liked Chivas. Rather than admit that I had no idea what Chivas was, I attempted to find out. I Urban Dictionaried the term, because I assumed it was slang for something. It is slang for heroin. However, it is also a very well known brand of Scotch… Needless to say, Mr. Big thought I was hilarious. So hilarious, he took a screenshot of our conversation and sent it to Superwoman. Superwoman thought it was so hilarious, she sent it to all our girlfriends and Coach.

I have not lived this down.

Last night, Superwoman threw another party. I arrived late, to find Coach and Mr. Big bonding over my Chivas-innocence. Picture 2 6-ft something guys built like football linebackers giggling uncontrollably. I am happy my existence brings such joy to my friends.

Mr. Big was delighted to see me. As is his habit, he offered me his sexual expertise for later that evening. As is my habit, I gratefully accepted, because that is part of our scripted game.  Mr. Big deviated slightly from our routine, by introducing me to one of his friends, and then telling me that they would DP me later that night. Now, I understand that I am vanilla, and am not well-versed in the logistics of arranging a threesome. However, I believe that typically, the girl is entitled to a say in both who will penetrate her and the timing of such an activity. I smiled, and said I looked forward to it. I scuttled to find Coach, to share with him this conversation. Coach delights in the absurd, and he settled back to watch the interactions between me & Mr. Big with glee. Every time Mr. Big spoke to me, Coach would give me an encouraging wink.

As was always my intention, I left at 2am. Coach was sad I was leaving as it meant the end of his entertainment. Mr. Big wondered why I did not stay, and was I sure that I did not want to enjoy a wild romp? He would gladly manhandle me! I thanked him, but regretfully pointed out that I had the hiccups – not ideal for good foreplay. #practicaldetailsthatarenevermentionedinporn

And off I went, satisfied that I had upkept my Vanilla reputation in the best possible manner. Hiccups > DP. That should be my new motto.