When my own blog causes me to have a meltdown 

I’m proud of my blog. I think everybody should read it all the time. Like a mother who secretly believes her child is cuter than any other mini-human, I not-so-secretly believe my blog is the bee’s knees. I tell everyone about my blog. You can be sure I’ve sent 100% of my Fbk friends an invite to like my blog’s page… and I notice who has accepted or not. Apparently, some of my friends have better taste than others – but I won’t name names. It’s a free world, and all that.

I’ve been friends with Hermiono (he is an OCD nerd with a stand-up character) for 8 months. I’ve mentioned my blog to him on a weekly basis. I sent him the invite to my blog’s Fbk page in 2016; he sees anything I share on my personal Fbk wall, which includes some of my blog posts, obvi. He called me up this weekend, “Vanilla! You have a blog!” Yes I do, aren’t you perceptive! “I had no idea!” I’m questioning your listening skills, bro. “It’s GOOD! You are a GOOD writer!” Yes, I know. Glad you’ve finally caught on. “I think you are totally crazy for putting yourself and your entire life out there, but hey! I love it. It’s entertaining! You’re a mess.” Fact. Now, get back to reading – you’ve some catching up to do.

I’ve consulted lawyers, to gain an understanding of what I can/cannot share, to ensure I am not at risk of any lawsuit or termination for breach of confidentiality/other reasons. I take great pains to honor my characters privacy. Beaut vetted every post while we dated because I worried our social circle would quickly figure out his identity. He insisted I write my truth – he also periodically shared my posts on his Fbk wall, at which point I deemed the burden of preserving his anonymity had been waived. The guys featured in my failed date stories? I strip of any possible identification. Overall, I work hard to balance the need to tell my truth with the respect and consideration owed to anyone featured in my stories.

I write every post with the awareness that co-workers, family & friends of various faiths/backgrounds/values will read it. My mythical future husband and in-laws might read it: the mental health struggles, the ugly insecurities, the hilarious lack of judgment. This informs who I am – exploring vulnerability and sharing these stories has changed my life. I’m told periodically that this blog makes people smile and has helped others on their own journeys of mental health and personal growth. So my future in-laws can suck it. Judgmental bastards.

My new European friends in Dubai reacted with condemnation. “A personal blog? What are you, a gossip?! Do you want a reputation as the Kizomba Bitch? Are you trying to be a Kim Kardashian? I didn’t peg you as somebody who was vulgar. You do know you don’t HAVE to overshare.” I was shocked. I wonder how many people perceive me & my blog as vulgarthe one adjective that fills me with horror. But I was equal parts irritated – none of them had read my blog: theirs was a knee-jerk reaction. See above comment about some friends having better taste than others. Hmph.

It’s hard being honest and funny when one is worried about others’ perception.

I think it’s time I stop worrying.

Once upon a time I wrote a blog post about a boy. It was sweet, a good mix of cerebral and emotional. I sent it to him, as a courtesy, letting him know that I was refraining from posting it on Fbk until he had read it.

Hours went by. Crickets.

More hours went by. Turns out he had family over. I don’t know what he was thinking, having family over when I was waiting on him to read my post, but wtv. Nobody is perfect.

MORE hours went by. I caved, and asked him whether silence implied consent. He hadn’t read it yet – family obligations and whatnot.

Hours turned into days. I drafted a step-by-step Manual For Guys That Are Featured In Heartfelt Blog Posts Written By Girls That Are Allergic To Vulnerability. Highlights include:

Drop everything you are doing and read the post immediately. Showing yourself as online, but NOT reading the messages is unacceptable and will cause part of the girl’s soul to die. Within a delay of 57 seconds, write back complimentary noises. Do NOT assume the girl is a stage 5 clinger. If you are an overachiever, read 20-30 of her posts, decide she is good people, and be cool.

Days turned into weeks. My brain decided it would be a great idea if I messaged him. Was I suave? No. Did I make the situation better? Definitely not. I accept my fate as the female version of this guy. Karma’s a bitch.

I think it’s time I stop worrying. There will be times where my intentions vs others perception of me/my blog will diverge widely; on a small scale, this is a risk that any artist/creative person must face. Humor gets lost in translation all the time. Do I stand by each of my posts? Yes. Is this blog true? Yes.

Well then. Less worrying, more trainwrecks.





  1. I enjoy your blog posts. They always make me laugh and/or empathize.

    I dated a guy once that went balls-to-the-wall crazy when I started blogging about him. He didn’t like it when I disagreed with something he said, and then wrote about it in my blog because he wouldn’t listen to me. Unreasonable bastard.

    I also befriended a girl from WP on Facebook, and when she went all “woe is me” on WP one day with the same old issue (and not learning a damn thing from any of it over the past year), I gave her some advice that I thought was pretty sound, but she didn’t like it. She pretty much called me a fat, ugly cow, and threw past relationship issues in my face, and then wrote a ten page screaming bitch-rage-blog about what an ugly fat cow I was. It was then that I decided that nobody I know will ever know about my blog. I can’t go through that again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. 🙂

      I guess I’ve been pretty blessed that most ppl have tolerated my blog fairly well. I mean, I do filter what I put. There are some things that happen that just are non-bloggable. I wouldn’t share it to my wider circle of friends, therefore it can’t go onto the blog. Litmus test.

      Even the bad stuff with Beaut – I have not delved into specifics (the story about Main Girl is one she acknowledges freely). I describe emotions, more than events or details, bc what matters to me are exploring the truth of my feelings. So most details are extraneous, anyhow.

      As for BlogPost Boy… maybe its a question of privacy: he is very private. In which case this second post did nothing to help 😛 But I realized what mattered to me was the externalization of my emotions, more than his good opinion. It either has already been damaged beyond repair, or it hasnt. And again, Ive refrained from adding any details that can identify him (99.999% of boys have family!) so I feel that I’ve balanced my need for self-expression with his right to privacy.

      Thats the tricky part. I feel a duty of care to be fair and kind to those ppl I write about. I would never want to hurt ppl by my blog. There will be times where my feelings are incompatible with others. But I am to phrase them with enough care that I will not unecessarily wound anyone else.

      its tough.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. lol.

      I am not loving it. I wrote it to get the BlogPost Boy frustration off my chest- afterall, no sign he has ever looked at my blog.

      And then I see 4 hits from his country. His country is not small. So yes, I realize there could be OTHER of my readers there.

      But I am having anxiety and meltdown 2.0. Breathing exercises.

      Wish the earth would just swallow me whole.

      I’m an idiot. Except I do love my blog. And if he cant recognize humor and hyperbole, then… I rescind all my fondness for him. That will show him. Except for how it wont actually show him anything.

      Breathe in, breathe out.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Really, our friends are terrible ppl.

      BlogPost Boy still hasnt acknowledged ANY of the blog stuff. Officially, I’ve now been granted some Hall of Fame of Psycho Cross-Atlantic Stage 5 Clinger Award.


      Liked by 1 person

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