In our office building there is a cantine run by an Italian caterer who is skilled at making everything sound delicious, which indeed it is. Tests my willpower, he does. A few months ago, he hired a young dude (19-20 years old?), a good-looking charmer. This kid clearly enjoys his job, as evidenced by the enthusiasm with which he describes the menu of the day, and makes tailored suggestions to all the clientèle.
On Friday, Charmer pitched his home-made custom pizza as my top choice for lunch. It sounded decadent, as everything with bacon must. I sighed, recognizing defeat. “Yes, fine, I’ll take it. I’m gonna regret this!” Charmer paused as he put my pizza in the oven, completely stumped as to why I’d regret eating something so yummy? I explained: like every woman ever, I am trying to diet, to shed 10.
Diet?! But why? You look great! You could always look better? Well, yes, that’s true, in theory…. but I mean… if you drive every day a Mercedes, are you really gonna be saying “Dammit, if only I was driving a Ferrari”? No, right? A Mercedes is freaking nice car. Enjoy it. Be proud of it. Pretty much everyone would love to drive a Mercedes.
Someone get this boy -almost young enough to be my son – a job in sales, STAT. I’ve been averaging 1 gym workout per month, working too much, haven’t been on a date in months, wouldn’t remember how to flirt if I was presented with all of the opportunities on the planet, spend my weekends sleeping in to offset my sleep deprivation, find the motivation to wear mascara 2 days out of 7, and feel like an unattractive blob… is it obvious I am PMSing?
I ate the entire damn pizza, and had a goofy smile all day.
Behold the newest Vanilla-class Mercedes. #noselfieskills
Discovering ratchet 
yeah you are right, your selfie skills could use a few lessons 😁😁😁
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I know. Disaster.
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I agree with Charmer, do not ever feel guilty about eating pizza. I know it’s not easy to do, I often feel guilty about eating carbs as well, but everything in moderation is fair game in my opinion. You look amazing 🙂
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xox
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Women truly are incomprehensible. I have a very attractive friend who seems to have convinced herself that she’s a hag, and now I read your blog where another extremely attractive young woman seems to underestimate her looks…. Even if she can’t flirt worth a damn or take a sexy selfie, it doesn’t really matter…. No need to develop those skills when you’re a stunner.
From a guy’s point of view, it’s just so incredibly baffling.
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PS: Even though I totally get what that guy was saying, I’d never dare to compare women to cars. Seems like such a slippery slope.
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I don’t see those 10 lbs you need to lose. You’re totally cute. Honest. xoxo
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Xoxox, thanks!
But when life feels out of control, I turn against my body. And also… dancers should be wee. It helps. Apparently.
#pmsing #myovariesaretryingtobeattheirwayouttamybody
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#fuckingovaries
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Kid’s right – you look amazing. I’m not sure you have 10 to lose. I think enjoy the pizza and feel good about the fact that you put on mascara 2 days out of the 7 – I can probably count the number of days I wear mascara in a year on two hands!
I hope he serves you lunch every single day. I feel like it would do wonders for mood and morale in the workplace!
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Someone promote that boy NOW!! I love your posts by the way- funny and flamboyant as promised 🙂
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