Today is Allie’s bachelorette. I spent last night and all of this morning prepping for it. We will be playing the game “pin the dick on the groom”. I printed a 3’x5′ poster of the groom. Next step: I googled “dick pic” so as to have a visual for my artistic drawing of a dick & ballsack. My Google results were slight unexpected.

Behold the first FOUR screenshots of my Google results.

And in case y’all are wondering what my saved images are? I wondered myself, and it turns out, I have bland taste in saved pics

My full Google search results can be found here.

Clearly Google knows me too well when 99% of my search results = Dick Cheney and Andy Dick and NOT penises. #politicsoverporn

This is why they call me Vanilla.

Nevertheless, I successfully achieved my task at hand.

Things i never thought I would have to say: 

1. do we have enough penises?
2. should we let the girls bedazzle their penises?
3. oh no, that’s waaaaay too big
4. is my ratio of balls to dick accurate?
5. I think I’m gonna adopt an impressionist approach to penis drawing
6. how should I transport all these penises? I don’t want them to get damaged.

What a morning filled with good, wholesome fun. 

I swear. I SWEAR I do not have a Dick Cheney fetish.