Facebook memories. They can be useful sometimes.

Today, Facebook reminded me of this pic, taken at my very first social, exactly 2 years ago.

I remember that night. I had no idea what I was doing, dance-wise. I had done 3 weeks of kizomba lessons, maybe 2-3 months of salsa lessons. I was dealing with heart-break, having written this post about Beaut 1 week prior. What better way to try get over that humiliation than to go to a dance event all dolled up and meet new people? Great idea. Until Beaut walked in, with a chick on his arm. Did I feel like weeping? Yup. Did I weep? Nope. I concentrated on my partners, lucked out on 1-2 really good ones and had a real blast. Nevertheless, over the next 2 months, I virtually quit kizomba, unable to get comfortable with the concept of owning my sensuality or my space. I didn’t know, then, that that struggle is the entire point, and a big part of the thrill of dancing.

So today, it turns out, is my two year danciversary. And as you would have it, Facebook caught my attention with another picture, taken yesterday.

Funny that Facebook would remind me on my 2 yr danciversary of 2 of the people I met at my very first dance festival, in Madrid, back in December 2016.

That festival. Oye. It was petrifying, and exhilarating, and overwhelming. On my first night, I was very very lonely and intimidated. Not getting asked to dance often, getting attitude from European men used to dancing with high level dancers. I was stiff as could be, watching wistfully as Teacher and his dance partner twirled non stop at either end of the room, people lining up to dance with either one of them. Then a good-looking man came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to dance. I could follow him, his lead was clear and simple. No fancy tricks, just simple steps in varying sequences, and suddenly the room seemed less noisy, I was no longer lonely or tense. Here was a stranger with whom it felt ok. I felt safe. After 2-3 songs, he introduced himself, “You’re Vanilla, aren’t you? I recognized you from Teacher’s videos. He told me you would be here. Glad to meet you. I’m one of Teacher‘s students, but I live out in Vermont.”

And that is how I met Curly.

Since then, I’ve seen Curly approx 3-4 times a year, when he drives up to Montreal to attend a dance event or train with Teacher. I’ve learned that he has an amazing sense of humor, can make me laugh until I cry. Unfortunately, he has a bad habit of muttering his amusing one-liners mid-dance, triggering loud guffaws in me, which is not well viewed during a night of sensual dancing. Oops?

That feeling of safety and stability that I first felt with him has deepened into certainty. Dancing with him is to dance in a truly judgment free zone. Better yet, it is to dance with kindness.

As a follower I must accept the leader’s lead: that requires giving up control, trusting him to guide me with clarity so that I can translate that into movement. It is a form of vulnerability. By accepting to follow, I must accept that I will sometimes get it wrong: I won’t understand, I’ll step on the leader’s toes & stumble, I’ll react too slowly, I’ll fuckup his intentions. I must accept that my imperfections will be seen and trust that the leader will treat them with kindness and patience and work through them so we can create something lovely together.

Curly is not blind to my failings as a dancer. They just don’t matter to him. It is easy to be vulnerable with someone who takes the responsibility of gentle handling of that vulnerability very seriously. And if Curly treats his partners’ vulnerability with respect… by default he respects his partners. Real respect.

That kind of acceptance is wondrous and rare. It’s a form of freedom, really.

In the two years since I started dancing, I’ve seen a lot. It’s not all rosy out there. There are guys who misbehave, viewing girls as objects to be groped, willingly or not. There are many people who dance for the wrong reasons, for ego, for fame, for recognition, and that leads to noise, drama and cruelty on the dancefloor. Everyone has an opinion about everyone else. It’s exhausting and distracting. I used to think Strictly Ballroom was satire. It’s not. It’s a documentary.

To have stumbled on a friend, a real one, one with whom I can be silly and serious and sensual and awkward; one who respects my bumpy journey, and does his part to make me feel safe in an unsafe world, even if it is only for the space of a few songs a year… That makes all the growing pains of this dance journey worth it.

Curly is one of my favorite things about kizomba.

For further reading about dance, check out my dance page. Otherwise, here is a recap of the key realizations that dance has brought to my life:

• Accepting the sexy
• A little dancing with your Eurotrip?
• Mirrors and space
• The advantage of a digital trail
• “Kizomba will change your life”
• A beautiful pivot
• Beauty and ginga in Paris
• Dancefloor drama V: an irrelevant question of weight