Writing the Instagram meme post was hard. Untangling the mess of knotted emotions, gaining an understanding of what I was feeling, and why, uncovering the deep well of shame and insecurity was unpleasant. I am happy I got to the crux of my truth, I am proud that I was courageous enough to tell my story, but oye, do I ever have a vulnerability hangover.
ICB was not delighted when he read it. Understandably. It leaves no room for intention. It is a single-view story, mine, in which he is portrayed one-dimensionally. Nor did he appreciate being mentioned in the same post as Beaut or Hickster: while I don’t make it a habit to discuss my previous dating experiences with him, he has read parts of my blog and is not fond of either dude for how they made me feel and the very real complicated baggage I retain from them. It is not flattering company to find himself in. I get that.
ICB did give me an explanation for his behavior that, true to form, exonerates him from any disrespect towards me. Not surprised. I expected the hurt to lessen, but instead, the whole weekend it has been my companion. I had hoped that by putting my hurt into words I would be liberated from its heavy burden. But all that has done is help me understand myself: I am hurt because I have gotten feedback, yet again, that I am not enough to be a person’s priority. I understand myself, yay! But my feelings are still overwhelming.
At a social gathering this weekend, I went out of my way to avoid any one on one contact with ICB. I couldn’t be close to him, I wanted to cry every time he got within a foot of me. Hickster used to trigger that kind of physical reaction. I’d always assumed that my physical manifestation of pain was caused by the epic, sometimes ruthless, asshole behaviour Hickster could casually dish out. He was a Grade A jackass. ICB is not. ICB liked some girl’s very pretty IG pics and has not liked mine. But never, not once, has he ever disrespected me. ICB’s “crime” is a lack of positive behaviour towards me, which is totally different from Hickster’s objectively very negative behaviour towards me. Two very VERY different sets of behaviour but a very comparable degree of hurt. That doesn’t make sense. The gap between my cerebral vs my emotional take on the situation is huge.
I think I’ve shifted into borderline territory.
Out of those 9 traits, 7 very clearly apply to the Instagram meme post.
- Identity disturbance: unstable self-image or sense of self: If ICB liking another girl’s IG pics can produce an obliterated sense of self in the form of a never ending soundtrack of “I am not enough”, we can agree that my self-image is unstable. Just a tad.
- Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: This weekend I spent a few hours helping ICB out on a project (via the safe distance of texting and emailing). Why? to show I was a team player, I was still there, I was a good girl, don’t be mad at me, I am still worthy. Heyo! The same dynamic as with Hickster. Hickster would do something to hurt me, I would overreact dramatically, we’d have a ginormous fight, and before we had even finished patching things up, I was back helping Hickster with stuff he hadn’t even asked me to do. I’m still here. Don’t hate me. I am a good girl, I am helpful. I am valuable. Forgive me. I’m sorry I overreacted. Don’t give up on me.
- Unstable relationships, alternating between idealisation and devaluation: This one is hard for me to notice as it is happening, bc I always think I am fairly and even empathetically characterizing the person I am dealing with. But I notice my thought patterns about ICB are beginning to sound one dimensional. “HE never makes me feel special, HE isn’t making me a priority, HE isn’t finding ways to show me he cares”… aka he is not doing enough to make me feel cherished and valued. That strident blaming tone is the perfect breeding ground for an unstable relationship.
- Stress, paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms: I was SO stressed this weekend, I had trouble breathing at the social gathering, while ICB was present. I ended up just ghosting, and taking an Uber home without saying goodbye. I felt my stress levels drop significantly as soon as I was in the car.
- Inappropriate, intense anger: While I describe my feelings as being hurt, there is anger. Anger at having revealed myself, an exercise I find excruciatingly painful, only to be told, effectively, that I am not priority. I revealed myself, and have been treated carelessly, as having no worth. I described it as wanting to howl away my pain, but especially with Hickster, the impulse – never manifested – was to claw his face. To make him hurt physically as much I did emotionally. My therapist has often told me in the past that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin, so I wonder if this completely disproportionate reaction to some Instagram likes is not an example of this BPD trait.
- Emotional instability due to a marked reactivity of mood: I think this one is fairly self evident.
So here I am. With an even deeper awareness of what I am feeling and why. Go me.
But where do I go from here? I can’t help that ICB’s relatively minor action has produced this hurricane of hurt. Those are my feelings. My reaction is to feel he should be doing something differently. He should value me more. He should let me know he cares. He should apologize.
And maybe probably he should.
But this is my life. I refuse to let my happiness depend on some other person’s actions, especially when every person has their own shit going on, so it is very likely that they will not be able to meet my emotional requirements to my very needy satisfaction. That is an unfair burden to place on anyone, especially those I care about.
So I guess the real question is:
Accepting that ICB does not make me feel like I am enough;
Accepting that it isn’t ICB’s job to make me feel enough;
Accepting that until I feel enough, I will have this rage-pain-hurt that consumes me;
How the fuck can I get to a state where I feel and believe that I am enough?!
You know, I don’t think you are needy. I don’t really believe in needy, we all have different emotional requirements and that’s ok. But I think the state you are trying to get to is only possible when you are single, because in a relationship we are designed to depend on that from our partners, and that’s perfectly fine! Of course we’re gonna feel a little worthless when we aren’t getting the attention we need, that’s completely normal. Why be with someone who didn’t make you feel like they were enough for them? We get told that independence from feeling is the ideal, but FUCK that noise. Relationships were not built to be two people acting independent, but two people being interdependent, so a man that validates and acknowledges your feelings is going to rock your socks off. Your need for validation seems fine and healthy to me, even if it gets you into trouble sometimes (IG escapades). The trick is to remember, and you did do this, to have these conversations with people and bring them into a level of intimacy that allows them to show you the support you need. Having them before hand has really helped me with my partners, because I struggle with some of the same big things you do. You are who you are, lovely and emotional, and that won’t change, but people need to be taught how to help sooth when you need it (or how to be preventative in the first place). It’s up to us to find out how to do that before it culminates in a BPD-esque meltdown. I think, however, that you are killing it with the self-awareness/self-improvement, and all that you type is coming from a place of tremendous expertise (I mean, it has to after knowing yourself for 30 some odd years). I think it always feels like you’re trying to keep your insides from exploding when you’re inside it and growing, but the other side is a fresh, summer breeze.
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So much same!!!!